Children Of Divorce
You might have decided that you want to end your marriage. You may have countless reasons for this decision. Whether your spouse agrees with this decision of yours or not, you can move on with the help of a divorce lawyer and start the legal process. However, there is someone who will be affected by this separation more than both you and your partner; the children of divorce. In this article, we will talk about the effects of divorce on children and what can you do for them. Down below you will find out a brief guide on the topic.
Children Of Divorce Are Very Affected by Divorce
Separation of parents will change the whole life of any children involved so much that you have to consider them during the divorce process as well. Your child probably will be quite upset about the whole situation. They can experience depression or even blame themselves for the separation from their parents. Of course, it is normal for children to be sad about your divorce and they will need to accept it in the end. Nonetheless, you can at least do some things to make the process easier for the children of divorce.
What Can You Do To Help The Children Of Divorce
Divorce is not easy, neither for couples or their children. While adults have many methods to cope with such difficult times, children cannot do the same thing. For them, everything has a bigger impact and they can feel like their life is ruined much easier. So, the children of divorce will need to learn how to deal with such times.
In a time already difficult for you, you also need to teach your child the ways of adapting to the changes in their life. Especially since now they will spend their time with only one parent at any given time, they will need more thorough guidance from you. So, without further ado, let’s see what you can do for helping the children of divorce.
How to Talk About Your Divorce With The Children
If a divorce is in question, it can be hard to announce your decision to your child. Some people even skip the talk with their child and just move on and it can traumatize the child. What you need to do is talk about the process with the children of divorce.
● Make a plan
Before making this talk, you need to plan your way. You wouldn’t want to mumble in front of your children who are already worried about the divorce situation. So you need to prepare yourself as much as you can so you can talk with confidence and in a calm manner that the children of divorce need to see in their parents.
You know your children, you can imagine their response to the topic and what their questions will be. You can prepare answers for most questions they will ask. If it is necessary, write down notes and study them. Probably it will be difficult for you nonetheless, but at least you can make it better for the children of divorce.
● Explain What is a Divorce
The first thing to talk about with your child is what a divorce is. Explain to them that sometimes marriages can end for different reasons, and tell them about how it is done in simple examples. Keep extreme examples out, such as divorce reasons like affairs or acts of crime.
● Be Honest and Open, but Simple
After explaining what it is, tell your child that you are going to divorce. They will want to know the reason. You may have many problems in your marriage and many reasons to end it. For the reasons that won’t make your children confused or angry against any of their parents, you might choose to be open. However, do not make it too hard for them. They might not understand some reasons, so you should summarize things in a basic form. It is best if you can agree on an explanation with your ex-spouse. If both parents tell the same reasons, you can avoid some of the negative effects of the divorce on your child.
● Ensure them
Children of divorce can fear that they will lose their parents because of the divorce. Some kids can even think that they are responsible for the divorce. This thinking can harm these children mentally.
You need to tell them that their parents will always love them. Explain that this separation is only between you and your spouse. And no matter what happens you will stay as their parents. Knowing that they will be loved, cared for, and both of their parents will help them anytime they need can aid children of divorce in dealing with the situation.
● Talk about what will happen
After hearing that their parents will separate, children can be confused about what will happen next. Surely many things in their life will change. For example, depending on the court order, they will see one of their parents lesser after the divorce.
They will need to get used to visitations and living away from one parent. If the court gives custody to the parent who will move away, children of divorce might even be forced to change their whole social environment. You should mention anything that can change as well as anything that won’t change. Knowing these details will help them prepare themselves.
● Do not talk bad about your ex-spouse
While we suggest being honest and open to the children of divorce, you should also avoid blaming your partner for the separation. Showing respect to your spouse even though you are going to divorce is a necessary part of parenthood.
Your child should be able to preserve their view for both parents in order to develop properly. Also, remember that they might feel defensive about both of their parents. Hence, you should not reflect on the problems between adults to their relationship with children. Parent-child relation is very much separate from your marriage. And, it is best for your children to keep their view of both parents as much as intact.
● Allow them to be upset
Sometimes parents can forget that grieving is a necessary process for the children of divorce. So, by not allowing them to be sad and complain, they force their child to deal with the changes that come with the divorce, much faster than children normally can. Needless to say, this is extremely wrong and even harmful to the development of your children.
Remember that they will be going through severe changes in their life, and they did nothing to deserve it. Probably they did not have a vote in it. So, you should allow your children to grieve, complain and even be angry. You should be understanding. Listen to their comments on your decision and show that you are open to their thought. Tell them they have every right to be upset. While ensuring that the divorce was necessary too, and you will do everything in your power to make sure things will be fine.
Children of divorce can have problems with expressing their feelings and thoughts. This can be both because they are experiencing an emotional impact and they have a limited vocabulary compared to adults. Failing to describe their thoughts can frustrate them even more. So, listen to them carefully and help them to find the right words when they falter without interrupting their speech.
Also, sometimes children of divorce may hesitate to tell you how they really feel. They might fear that it will make you angry. Or, they might not want to hurt your feelings. So, you need to tell them they can be honest and tell you anything they think. Even if they blame you for the situation. Explain to them you are together with them in this thing, and you should be able to be open about such feelings.
After The Divorce Talk With Your Children
After an initial talk, you may need to remind your child about the points you mentioned during that conversation. Because, if they start to doubt they probably won’t come to you and tell it. So, tell them how much you tell them and everything will be fine from time to time, without boring them.
Remember that, children of divorce can be a bit aggressive during this time too. So, they complain about your well-intended cheering words, when you were trying to ensure them. But do not take these as real attacks. Just try to understand them too. Perhaps, they just do not want to think about your divorce for a while, and bringing it up might be bothering them.
After your initial talk about the topic, children of divorce might start to feel like they will lose a lot of love n their life. So, telling them that you love them is vital. Also, physical contact such as hugs or simple pats on the back can make them warmer. Even sitting near them can be helpful to prevent them from building invisible walls between you.
And do not forget to allow them to show their love for both parents, meaning your ex-spouse too. Do not forbid them to talk about your ex-spouse. Do not be angry at them just because they still love their parents. And both punish them even if they can try to make you two talk to each other. If you do not want such things, you just need to explain that it is wrong and it can make things even worse. They will understand eventually.
If you need more help for divorce and child support, you can read other articles we have related to these topics. You can find them from the related links here. Also, we recommend reading about the professionals in this subject from the company links given on this page. For more help in both divorce and your relation with children of divorce, keep following our website. And, good luck.